昨天奥运开幕，也是实习以来最忙的日子。一早就接到民政局电话说办理结婚登记的新人都快挤爆棚了，跟着涛哥拿了机器就过去。去到婚姻登记处就被里面的气氛感染了，没有人喜欢排队等候，可新人们排队却都欢天喜地，满脸幸福，面对镜头也都真情流露，毫无掩饰。碰到小珍姐，还有高中的美女君，还有……百年奥运百年好合，我为新闻稿这样命名，祝福新人。

       加班加点一直都是记者的专利，昨天我才真正感受到加班的辛酸。昨晚奔波在街头巷尾，只为捕捉群众观看奥运开幕的热闹情景和欢喜心情……感觉就像是过年的时候拍人家大团圆，自己却不能跟家人一起吃饭看春晚。不过，对比跟着领导屁股后面跑之类的政治、会议新闻，我更喜欢这类民生新闻，真实、自然、亲切。      

       昨晚回到家已经过了零点，跟同事们聚了一夜，最后总算为我在家的实习画上了句号。不是怕实习苦实习累，我喜欢记者这职业，只是，不管是媒体还是政坛，家里的现状多少有点让我失望。也曾试图改变，也算为家里出一份力，可我一个实习生，能有多大的力量？相信家里的媒体会越办越好，但这或许需要更多的人更多的时间更多的力量。

      虽然这是我不听话的一个选择，但这也是我成长中的一笔不可替代的财富，它让我经历了无奈体验了辛酸，那些是课堂上家里面教也教不了的……

         去年的今日，我坐在CRI办公室里偷偷开了博，幸好今早没有采访任务，于是可以安心坐在办公室独享这台“专家组长”，在与去年相差不多的时间里留下文字，重温下当初开博的心情。

         已经好长时间没有上来更新了，不是懒不是忘了，只是记录都是蓝色都是忧郁，自己都觉得有点不好意思了，于是决定把日记都隐藏起来，有快乐时才晒出来……

        今天很开心，昨晚撒了野，淋了雨，把不快都吐了，现在干干净净，清爽！

        又要开始工作了，加油！

      今晨被一串一串电话铃声吵醒，朦胧中听到妈妈说什么水灾，我赶紧翻身起床打开窗户，学校里教师们大喊着让早到的学生回家，没有看到校园有积水；跑到另外一个窗口，那边的小区人家都往外扫水，小孩子在那似乎玩得欢。心想也不会很严重，于是再回去睡觉，可妈妈一直都在忙着讲电话，一会说这个朋友半夜起床把床搬上二楼，一会说那个朋友的车被浸了一晚上……外面似乎风雨交加，可是在家里我怎么什么也没有感觉到？家真是一个安全的避风港。

没有水洗漱，幸好水盅里还有些许开水，不过早餐就只能吃些水果垫肚子。本想出去看看，刚从学校处理好学生过来家里的干妈直摇头，说车到半路熄火了，街上一片狼藉，树枝、垃圾、泥土，很多车被埋在泥里……我没有亲眼所见，真的没有法子描述。

虽然一直要坚持出去看看，最后还是听话乖乖在家。下午姐打来电话，她的声音有些疲惫，她说从昨夜半夜开始水淹附近的中学，所有住宿的学生都迁到她们小学一起住，她从昨晚一直忙到刚才，却只能泡一包方便面。明哥也在昨夜去抗洪，到中午2点多才回来。姐姐教书的那个村是受灾最严重的三个村之一，很多房屋都被淹没或坍塌，她看到很多从坍塌的家里逃出来的村民光着膀子出去街上买衣服穿上，她班里有个学生的父母亲都失踪了……本来姐姐今天是回家的，可是那边学校的情况让姐姐根本就不能脱身。“四川地震的时候我们离得远感觉不到，可现在看到那么多人的家一下子就没了，真的感觉到什么叫做失去。”姐姐一向在大事面前都不知所措，这一次的苦不知道她会不会吃不消。

晚上跟还在学校的同学联系，得知她的父亲昨夜回家的时候差点被冲。还好虚惊一场，同学在Q的签名档上一下子亮出一行字：我老爸，我的骄傲！哈，傻Y头，过去了就是一片晴天。

祝福乡民，期待晴天。

 这两天几乎逛遍所有的鞋店，我没有看中一双。在这样一个小县城，也有不少品牌鞋店，找不到或许不是因为我眼光太高，我妈看到不少鞋子让我试，不停赞好，我都不喜欢，只能说我没有眼光。可是今天下午回家的时候，我终于还是提回两双鞋子。妈妈乐颠乐颠的，逛了半天竟不觉得累，她说终于买了两双鞋子给我很开心，还说明天还要出去买。我笑她什么时候喜欢拿钱买开心了。其实我心里明白，我并不喜欢那两双鞋子，只是看到妈妈那喜欢的神情和眼睛里掩盖不住的疲惫，我不忍心再拉她离开，她说了，今天不买到就不回家。我知道就算继续走下去我也找不到，我只能怎么做。

这些天太热了，空气里到处迷漫着阳光的味道，就算上山来也觉闷得慌。晚上跟舅公出去郊外吃饭，还没有来得及看清那个山庄的颜色，我们就躲进空调房聊天，毫不例外提起了暑假实习的事情。尽管事先我跟妈妈提出了自己的想法，可最终她还是以我太单纯易被骗为由驳回。她已经安排好了一切，她的期待不容我拒绝反抗。我没有喘息的机会，更没有选择的余地。坐在几位大人中间，我忽然感觉自己变成了一只牵线木偶，因为可爱因为可怜，他们保护我，牵引我走好每一步，唯恐我摔倒。这样不是挺好的吗？我安慰自己，我得到了保护，我渴望的安全感得到了满足--但是我失去了自由。

我以为在学期的最后几个星期发生的那些事情已经让我得到考验，几个星期让我掉了十几斤肉，想了那么多我以为自己会有最起码思想上的成熟。但我的行为证明“我的以为”是错的，我还不是一样淌着泪在深夜从那个象牙塔逃似的回家来了吗？回到家来也不敢正视妈妈的眼睛，我没有做错什么事情，只是不敢面对自己，不敢面对现实。June 在送行的短信里说有颗逃跑的心说明我还是自己……逃跑的我才是真的我。逃跑的我还是没有长大。 

忽然想起今天一位服务员说的：小妹，你这么好的妈妈去哪里找啊！是啊，只有吵着大人买东西给自己的孩子，没有哪个妈妈会吵着要买东西给自己的女儿。

“那也是因为有我这么乖的女儿啊！”说出这样的话我竟也不觉得脸红。或许真的习惯了听话。我很乖，我太乖。这可不是妈妈期望的。妈妈一手塑造了这样一个乖女儿，我却成为了一只牵线木偶。

其实也不是妈妈的错。就像那两双高跟鞋，5cm是妈妈给我的期望，她只要求我可以穿着它们走优雅的步子，我却要求自己可以穿着它们跑新闻。

妈妈让我成为牵线木偶，我的要求让自己成为了一只会说话的牵线木偶。

这是进步？抑或变异？

 On June 13, 2008, I finished the last class in my college life. I didn’t wait until the last minute. It was funny; the first time I skipped classes without reason in my school life was also the last time. It was raining heavily. It seemed to be the last honours for something.

I took photos under flame trees days before, as what graduates usually do. However, I am not a graduate. I am a junior.

Looking back on the life in STU, I find a lot of changes on me. 05News, it’s a milestone. I changed from a   closemouthed girl to lively one. It is comfortable and safe living in pupae. However, I have to leave the pupae, to be a self-sustaining butterfly, finally.

However, Mom, I wanna to go home. It's awfully painful.

Life is hard now.

Straying.

I think I need some time.

Subsiding.

When I find it, I will be back.

 Some chance can only meet but not seek; something once is enough.

<<Guang>> would be my only drama, I would only like to be Xiaomei.  

Do not cry, it was me who gave up.  

<<Shui>>, I want to be your audience this time. O(∩_∩)o…

Today, Lanlan finally come. We had a nice day.

Lala is a friend I knew in the Nanguo marketplace. We know each other by chance. And today was the third time we met. What was funny, when the second time we met, we hardly recognized. Lanlan is an easy going girl. She said she like English, and would like to study it well. But the work was so busy that she had no time and redundant spirit to study.  

But she is weak. When had to ask for leave and brought her back to the dorm. I can’t even image how she could persevere in work day and night in the marketplace. Last night when she told me that she had quit the job, I felt happy for her. Her boss was so strict. And the days were so hard to her. For many times she said she was coming, but her boss didn’t allow. Today is her only holiday after the spring festival.

Life seems more favor the persons who study a lot. From her, I know the difficulties in finding jobs without a degree.

Best wishes to her.

To remember today.

White skirt.

Run.

Still.

Cameras.

Alley.

Stairway.

Sunshine.

Wind.

Difference.

 Whether you like Bill Gates or not...this is pretty cool. Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they did not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept sets them up for failure in the real world.

 RULE 1

 Life is not fair - get used to it.

 RULE 2

The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself

RULE 3

You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4

If  you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

      RULE 5
     Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.

     RULE 6
     If  you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

     RULE 7
     Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying  your bills, cleaning your clothes and  listening to you talk about how cool  you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

     RULE 8
     Your  school may have done away with winners and losers,but life has not. In some schools they have  abolished failing grades and they'll  give you as many times as you want to  get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

     RULE 9
     Life  is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own  time.

     RULE 10
     Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to  jobs.

     RULE 11
     Be  nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

 To sum up the lapsed week, I found something interesting in lives.

1. Something numinous actually comes from the heart. Friends prayed for me, brother Jing said: God loves Wenting, and… I was moved. However, I can’t deceive me, and deceive the god. I am not a votary now. God bears no half-hearted person. I am not brave enough to be a Christian, because I know god knows where my heart belongs.

2. No justice in the world. These days I ran into a lair of disappointment. The situation made me laugh however burst into tears. For the internships to Vietnam, Malaysia, Nepal and America, I was the loser. For the Africa trip, I failed in the interview and I accepted the result. However I was kicked out before interviews this time. I supposed I was not good enough and not strong enough. But why couldn’t I have any chance to have a try? Lin said the result was everything. They would not waste any time for students “for a try.”Left only HK, though I ever wanted to go, I dare not to apply now. I am afraid that I would totally lose my scanty self-confidence.     

3. Sports are a pleased way to self-help. Faith said I was troublesome because I always brought my friends into my troubles. I agreed. Confidence was the only way to help me before, and I had no sense that I had put my friends in troubles. Mum catches a bad cold and loses her voice; I could turn to anybody for help but myself. Yesterday I hardly faint in the gymnasium, However, I feel relax. Mentally and physically healthy are both important.

4. You can never turn back the hands of the clock. You might reproach yourself or regret for some mistakes you had made. And those mistakes put you in an unfavorable place. The try going back to the past and avoiding the mistake could only put you in another mess. What you can do to make up is smiling right here and now.

 I finally found the cause of my indigence in disquisition. Oh, my goodness! I can write more than 10,000 words one night for a story, but I can find no rational words for the disquisition over one week! It will be time to hand the homework in the day after tomorrow, I felt ineffectual in working at this kind of thesis.

Straying on the STU web, I found the works I wrote long ago and read through. They were so emotional, one out of which have attracted more than 500 readers. I felt happy.

My skills in story writing are weak , but I believe I work better than that in the thesis. I would like to share the works long before with you, all my friends one day.  

But now, I have to finish my homework first.

 Having hard the stories about her, I was curious to know her, however, I was afraid to see some silhouette of soul of mine.

Yi once and again forbade me, but I comforted her that I was all right.  Finally I got the girl’s blog address.

With trepidation, I opened the inner space.

Her words were so beautiful and overcast. The life, youth and love were black in her thought. And the despair and dead became romantic. She was so young, with literary talent.

However, the flower was splashed by tears, and her blood. 

She left letter to her parents, confiding her suffering and condemning their coldness.  

Falling down from the top building, she still looked quite.

Her bone ash was left by her parents, far away from her hometown. The reason was that she suicided, and she is a girl.   

The poem''If'', written in her 16, saying: if no extravagant hopes, if not over care for, then, your life, would be regretless.

Girl, did you have a regretless life?

I was woken up by the bird singing in the early morning. I can smell the quietness and the nice green, though they in fact have never left.

Spring is coming. Nightmare troubled me still, but the sunshine helped me out.

Smiling to the sunshine: Nice day!

 I want to write something, I am longing for talking. Something inside the chest is making me out of  breath. But I can find no words to express.  

My godness, what I had done? I planed and I thought I could do that.

However, nothing happens, something has lost.

You were angry. Even that you denied I could feel, from your words.

You said that you had nothing to say, and asked to have a rest.

I accepted that I am weak physically. I need rest.

But what troubles me most was the psychological problem. I can help me myself to get out of the trouble. I felt tired, mentally.

I know what the real problem is, and I try to conquer.

Days before, I felt better, and I thought I’d found my way. Days were lightening, and the wind was so comfortable.

My heart was beaten, but no livingness.

Last night, I called my dad. I was happy that he was so light-hearted. When saying good night to him, I cried. If the clock could be turned back, if my dad could be so easy, if nothing had happened years ago, if……perhaps I won’t be so anguished.

No reason, no any kinds of pretext.

I am the butterfly, how can I change into a dragonfly?

The words I said might have made you unhappy. You didn’t know the friend, you knew happy and smart long ago, was so weak and so stupid.  

I am sorry. I need time, and your support.

      I don't know what I am doing. I feel down below.

      Perhaps Jie was right, perhaps not.

      Who knows what it will turn out to be?

      The future, whether it is controlled?

      Can it be controlled?

I want to do something for myself. But am I selfish?

It can’t be true.

I hate it that I have such a flabby character.

I hate it!

That can be good news, but it turns out fellness.

It is ruthless now to me, but can it come out good?

Life, can you be more friendly?

He was dead, in the deep night right after the Valentine's day.

People around mourned for him. You told that you felt no feeling. Is that true?

You are lying, my poor friend.

People said he was killed by the car. You said he killed him himself. If it was really an accident, he deserved it. He hurt you, so you said so? The love you first experienced might put you in agony. But what does ''dead'' really mean? The one, even you decided long ago that he was out of your heart, no longer comes, no longer says hello to you, no longer tells you the true. When the first love came, you missed him.

This time was the second time you lose him, but no other chance.

If he ever loved you, the moment when he ran into the car, how did he think of you?

You liked him, the moment you knew it, how did you think of you?

Don’t tell us you had no tear for him. The great broken-heart bears no tear.  

Love is innocent, you said. 

But you are waiting, for what?

If the love have providence, if the god chooses him and sent him to you, will you dare to accept him?

      Time is coming, and leaving.

      I think I finally have time and open the blog page.  These days I have been busying for so many things, the classes, the homework, the reading, the translation and finding the way in which I am long for being.  Still, I am not finished all of them and I am sure that I won't be finished untill my life end, I become calm. I feel not that mad, vacuous and blue.

     The day I arrived in school, I found and read the things I wrote long before. The way with a pen sitting in the candle light, thinking, writing, seemed so  remote, but kind. In the dead night, solitude is the firend in my heart.

     Then I found that still I like the croditional way, like that I like reading book other than reading in the computer.  

     Day cames, day leaves.

     Something never comes, and something never leaves.

       在家的日子一天一天在变少，我想离家，可是又想珍惜剩下的日子，矛盾。

       哥说我永远也学不了珍惜。

       珍惜究竟是个什么东西？

       人为什么总要在失去或即将失去的时候才会想着要抓住想要珍惜？

       当一些人一些事属于自己的时候，当一些人一些事由属于到不属于自己的时候，当一些人一些事不再属于自己的时候，珍惜在哪里？

       夜已深，刚刚过去的那一秒时间我忘了我在干什么？

       回过头抓不住，想珍惜时间，可还是眼睁睁看着时间从指缝溜走；想珍惜的人，也在自己不经意不留神之间跟自己产生了距离。

      总需要那深深的一吸，生命的烟火才会继续。

      所有的一切都需要，不是吗？